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December 29, 2014

Apparently, I’m in love.

We get asked all of the time, “What do farmers do during the winter, Farmer Rob?” While there is always plenty of work, the last week of the year is pretty light. Nothing is too urgent these days. It’s tough to shut off the farming part of the brain, though. After a long season of work, vegetable farmers often find it difficult to get the farm off the mind. Though we try really, really hard.

I’ve taken to renting romantic movies from the Plano library. Now loyal readers will know that my two favorite movies in the whole world are The Terminator and The Notebook. In my December-induced delirium, I thought it would be a good idea to check out some other love stories. You know, get some material to keep Christina at the very tip of her cute little toes.

It went all wrong right away. The first movie I checked out was called Dear John. Oh boy. Talk about a snoozer. I don’t even know where to start with this review. The guy is madly love with the girl, of course, and she feels the same. Nevertheless, he decides to stay in the army for another 10 years and thinks she’ll wait around for him. Fat chance pal! Now I believe in true love as much as next the guy but 10 years is an awfully long time. On top of that, he finally seduces the girl in an old, stinky animal barn. That is no way to treat a lady! Rather than watch this film, come out to the farm and watch the weeds grow. At the very least, the time will go by faster. “Dear John, burn this movie and never speak of it again”

It goes from bad to worse. Have you ever sat next to someone on the Greyhound bus who was just a wee bit overripe? Well, that smells like butterflies compared to the next flick, A Walk to Remember. Now call me crazy but you would think that, at some point in the movie, there would be a walk. One that, in fact, you might remember. Well, I certainly don’t remember it! On top of that, it’s the classic cheesy story of the nerdy girl in love with the coolest-guy-in-high-school. Taken directly from the pages of a third-rate comic book, the cool guy ignores her at first until she, literally, lets her hair down and is suddenly beautiful (nobody saw that coming). So no walk, a predictable story and then the girl dies sadly and tragically in the middle. What kind of crappy sappy love story is that?

What we need here is some big movie star type to do a story about Montalbano Farms. I have all sorts of material. Halter tops, raspberry picking, floods, grizzly bears, 3am screaming matches and more!

I wonder if Brad Pitt is available to play Farmer Rob?