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October 29, 2014

Today I would like to say that I now truly and firmly believe that the entire flipping planet has lost its mind. In fact, I almost registered for the one-way mission to Mars until I realized that I would be taking other humans with me. I’m sure they don’t want a disgruntled, ranting maniac on the ship anyway.

The last straw was when the Environmental Protection Agency approved the latest herbicide for GMO corn and soybeans. Corn and soybeans which, by the way, you eat or drink pretty much every single day (except they are not food, which is a story for another day). Apparently, the mission of the EPA is to determine, accurately, how much poison you can eat before you get really, really sick. Anyway, the EPA just had to do this – despite repeated and emphatic proclamations by chemical companies that weeds would not develop resistance – because, you guessed it, weeds have developed resistance.


Just last week, the geniuses over at EPA approved this new poison cocktail. Conventional farmers are supposed to use this alongside the old poison (you remember the one that was supposed to be the very last one) to kill all those nasty weeds. So now, farmers will continue to spray poison #1 all over the place and, for good measure, add a strong dose of poison #2 (which, incidentally, is a primary component of Agent Orange). There’s absolutely no way this could go wrong.


Who wins here?


You win!


No, as usual, you lose. You get more poisons in your food. You get more poisons in your drinking water. You get more poisons in the air you breathe. And you’re paying for it through billions and billions and billions of dollars in tax subsidies. On top of that, you’re paying for it through billions and billions and billions of dollars in health care costs (and interest payments because, remember, this is all borrowed money anyway) that go toward treating any number of completely preventable illnesses that stem from an unhealthy diet.


So Farmers win!


Ha! Wrong again! Those suckers are duped into believing that – this time and for real – the poisons will work. Instead, farmers simply have to buy more and more chemical concoctions to spray on their fields and plants. In a few years, weeds will develop resistance to this latest deadly brew and the chemical companies will produce – voila! – one that will really, honestly and for sure work this time.


Poison makers win!


Bingo. The companies that make these toxins win big time. They sell more and more poisons. They then take these giant bags of cash directly to the Capitol Building where they “donate” to politicians who then pass laws exempting them from irresponsible use. Then, these same companies bribe those same politicians to give them tax breaks and tax credits because they create “jobs”.


So while most people would instantly recognize this as an obvious sign of imminent doom, Americans just go about their daily business which consists of, first, buying a $5 cup of bitter coffee and, second, searching for “snake with two heads” on the Internet.


I, for one, have had enough. From here on out, I will absolutely and positively restrict my Internet searches to “why do men have nipples”. I bet you’re looking forward to the next newsletter already.